The Strain & Pull of Creativity
Art by dig a hole
Uranus stationed direct recently, and I picked up a PS5 game controller for the first time ever and played Call of Duty Modern Warfare. One of my co-workers brought his PS5 to work and I’d hop online and play deathmatch, capture the flag, and other shit. Keep in mind, I haven’t picked up a gaming controller since I owned PS3 so this is a rare moment.
I got destroyed, fumbling through the controls, struggling to figure out how to crouch and change guns. After I was gunned down about 20 times, I began to catch a rocky flow and rhythm, navigating the war-torn maps. I’d throw grenades, flushing out the opposition, crouch behind ruins, picking off people.
The mic was on and someone’s extremely stressed mom yelled at their kid to put on their underwear. I wondered who wielded the controller in the household and did they know their mic was on. A pleasant adrenaline rush overtook my entire body as I survived an attack, climbed up a ladder, and took someone out, looking down on the competition.
I almost forgot how addicting these games are and how important it is to find time to play even as an adult. If that’s playing a videogame, building a Gundam, painting or dancing in your kitchen. I have lofty goals as a writer. Self-imposed deadlines looming in the distance, floaty word count targets waiting to be hit. Sometimes I feel like a machine, my friends used to call me one when we’d run suicides at the end of football practice back in the day, but I’m not a machine. I’m human. This soft body needs rest, care, and love.
I’ve been putting this weird pressure on myself to produce, produce, produce, produce. Lashing the whip at my tail, hoping it will prompt me to work harder. Old belief systems scraping at the back of my psyche.
My boy
writes at a dizzying pace and truly embodies the word prolific. I often see him pumping out short stories, and submitting to what seem like a million markets, but I’m not e. rathke. I’m Grant Wamack.My creativity works differently and my life works differently. Sometimes I have to acknowledge this. Even when I’m at the dayjob, I’m taking notes, putting down snippets of dialogue, notating fashion pieces for my characters. This too is valuable work, the lines I need to guide me through the narrative.
I forced myself to get up an hour early every day this week to do some yoga and stretch and write some words. Yoga was accomplished, but I found I couldn’t throw words on the page, I couldn’t concentrate. My focus was scattered. Instead of fighting this, I accepted it. I reflected and realized I needed time to warm up. Writing won’t get done until the afternoon and I’m really cooking with grease at nighttime. This is okay…
Here’s an exclusive screenshot of me laptop and this is a moment where I’m knee-deep in Project Bunny Bloodbath. I almost forgot to crop out the real title. A lot of random pieces are coming together in terms of theme, atmosphere, and symbolism. It almost feels magical and this is the kinda shit i live for when it comes to writing.
That dress is partial research/partial inspiration for one of the character’s outfits. If you’ve read my last few books, you know fashion always plays a pivotal role, no matter what. I feel like it helps ground my characters and give them a deeper sense of identity. The way you dress speaks volumes about you even if it comes out in veiled whispers.
AWP Prep
AWP prep has been underway for a hot minute, ordering books along with a new backpack for the flight/storage. This is my return to the book convention circuit after many years spent away from the game. If you happen to be at AWP in Kansas City, come say hi to the Broken River Books bois and buy some books. Maybe we can smoke some weed too or grab lunch. I’ll be there February 7th, 8th, and part of the 9th.
I almost forgot to mention that my big ass order of Bullet Tooth copies came in. You can watch me unbox them here. Keep in mind these are for the convention, but are the only batch that will have the glossy cover.
Currently Watching: Love, Death & Robots Season 3 & True Detective Season 4: Night Country & Ballers Season 5
Ballers Season 5 somehow manages o be a lot better than Season 4. These writers buckled down and said we can do better. Proud of em.
Currently Reading: Cosmic Horror Monthly #3 and Pedo Island Bloodbath by Duncan Ralston & Less Than Zero by Brett Easton Ellis and Bedlam by Charlene Elsby
Churn the Soil by Steve Stred was my introduction to the horror writer and I have no idea why I took so long to check out his work. It’s a propulsive, creepy book that has everthing I’m looking for. Diversity, a crazy mystery central to the plot, dangerous monsters in the Alaskan wilderness, the past coming back to haunt you, and a whole lotta gore. Made me think of True Detective Night Country, but done better, much better.
Currently Smoking: 8-Bit Buds Pre-Roll
Listening: The Danny Brown Podcast, Back from the Borderline, The Higherside Chats, Agitator, Mutual Aberration Society, Victory Light, and Lost Xplorers
I love the intimacy of these warm stripped back visuals for TULUM. KOTA the Friend unloads on the beat, rapping about his introverted side, doing taxes, evaluating his circle of friends, and coming up despite all obstacles.
I had no idea Bizarre was still rapping and I had no idea what compelled me too click on the video, but I’m glad I did. The first half feels like he’s in bully mood, asserting his dominance over the Detroit rap scene. The second half feels darker and he raps as if he’s ready to die for this shit. The King of the D has returned…
There seems to be a wave of Ice Spice variants spawning in every country and the Italian version known as ANNA has the juice. She was the most streamed artist in Italy last year and seems to be catching a wave. I have no idea what’s saying in Italian even though I have some blood running through my veins, but it sounds dope.
One thing I respect about French Montana is his consistency and sticking to his strengths. He’s not the best rapper, but he has an excellent ear for beats and making 10 Toes feel like he’s still hungry and has cultivated a grindset. Thoroughly enjoyable.
Until next time…
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For business inquiries email grantwamack@gmail.com